Confessions

I’ve been away from the blog for too long now. Originally I said that I would update every three days, and then I got in the habit of updating every four, and now I’ve been away for about a week. This is a trend that I don’t like, and I’m determined to reverse it. I may not ever keep up the three day schedule, but a week is one step away from monthly, and then never.

And that scares me a little. One thing I’ve talked about here, one of the first things, even, is the fear of being a writer. But I talked about it with as much confidence as I could. It’s probably not a surprise that this was a bit of a front. The truth is that I’m pretty terrified. Terrified that I might just be kidding myself. Terrified that I might go forever calling myself a writer and never try to publish anything important to me.

I know that the tone of this entry is not in line with the tones of most of my other entries. It’s less guarded and less instructional and that’s important to me. I don’t think I’ve nailed down how personal I want this to ultimately be, but I do know that I need this to be a blog among peers and I can’t do that being as formal as I have been. It can’t work if I detach myself as the writer from the topics that I am writing about. So this is a little bit of a confession in that respect.

When I talk about being careful not to be scammed, it’s because I have been sorely tempted by scam artists, even recently, and have almost given myself up to them. I wanted to because it would be easier if I just ignored the warning signs until it was too late. I know that I can’t be reckless, though. Writing is my baby.

And when I talk about fear, it’s because I know I’m not doing what I need to do. I’m not writing anything new right now. I’m not editing anything old right now. I do have other priorities right now to get my adult life together, but how long does “having other priorities” last before I’m just fooling myself? I don’t know. And now I’ve taken a manageable step forward by starting a blog, which keeps me writing. I do get worried that even this might be a passing fancy, though. And the trend I’ve fallen into of taking more and more time between posts has scared me straight a little.

I wrote about building confidence to defeat fear, as well. I think that bucking this trend and being loyal to my blog will help me build the confidence to know that I can take on writing without dropping it by the wayside. And that will help me break through the other fears I have.

So that’s my confession today. Before today I’ve only really addressed issues. Today I wanted to share. Next time maybe I’ll split the difference.